i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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