Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
