The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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