i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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