i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
