i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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