90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
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