So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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