yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i wish my penis had a tongue
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
