My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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