just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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