My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
whose parrot is this?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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