You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
