WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize