I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
