and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
