Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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