We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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