if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
