did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
