well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
