pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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