Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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