you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
