No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Drunk is a universal language darling
why does every cop we meet know your name?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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