I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
