Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
