Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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