my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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