Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
