I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize