i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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