i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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