worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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