Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
