Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Randomize
