I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize