no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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