so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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