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She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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