I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
