ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
We don't watch enough power rangers
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
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