According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
