So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
