mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
