the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
