hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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