when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
