I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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