Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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