That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
