P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
