Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
