I must be too annoying 4 u.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
