She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
