There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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