i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
