The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
