My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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