remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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