Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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