i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
