shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
