why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
