I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
4 words: hood of his car
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
